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Being asked to give a eulogy can be a daunting occasion to rise to for a
countless number of possible reasons. Giving a eulogy for those that meant the
most to us means trying to come to terms with our loss enough in order to even
be coherent and to also fulfill our deep need to do them justice. We may also be
asked to give a eulogy for someone that we may have had a difficult relationship
with, or perhaps even for someone that we did not know that well. Or we may even
be so moved by what this person has meant in our lives, or perhaps by someone
who loved them, that we offer to give a eulogy.
1. Recognize that being emotional about the loss is it's own form of tribute.
There can be a lot of conflicting needs in the aftermath of a major loss and
negotiating them can sometimes feel like trying to pick your way across raging
rapids. If this is a loss that is deeply felt by you, you may feel that you have
a responsibility to "hold it together" for family and friends, especially when
there are children involved, and you may have some family and friends who are so
uncomfortable being around emotional people that you may also be pressured to be
less emotional.
Being emotional after the death of someone important in your life is really only
acknowledging that they mattered. Some of the people around you may not
recognize that being upset doesn't necessarily mean that you're not OK, and I
would lovingly encourage you to just make THAT OK and to recognize that your
range of emotions is simply another way to express that the person you've lost
from your life mattered to you.
2. Speak to whoever is conducting the service as soon as you can.
They'll have important information about how your eulogy will fit into the
overall service and will be able to put a lot of your questions and concerns to
rest. Also talk to them about what they'll be saying at the service. It may
inspire you to speak along a similar line, or perhaps you may feel that you want
to counter balance what they're saying instead, or even simply add to it.
3. Decide what you want to accomplish in your eulogy.
You can achieve several purposes in giving a eulogy, but you're going to want to
focus on one main one. What would be most important for you to accomplish in
giving the eulogy? Would it be to offer comfort and solace to those who are also
grieving? Would it be to remind family and friends about how lucky you all were
to have this person in your life for as long as you did, and why? Would it be to
celebrate the laughter and joy they brought and perhaps share some of your
favorite, and perhaps most amusing, anecdotes? Would it be to help people come
to terms with the loss of someone who may have been difficult or the source of
pain and conflict in the family? Or would it be to remind people about how
precious life is and to encourage people to live their life to the fullest?
Once you've gotten clear about that, then you want to...
4. Decide what kind of eulogy you're going to give.
How are you going to achieve your purpose in speaking about this person? Are you
going to share stories or anecdotes from their life? Review their
accomplishments? Talk about the impact they've had on the world? The lives
they've touched? Their unique gifts and abilities? Share a poem or song that
really speaks about this person and what they've meant? Offer an honest but
compassionate perspective? Talk about the meaning of this person's life and
their death in your own life? Ask people to stand up and share, too?
This stage of giving a eulogy is a wonderful opportunity to give yourself the
time and space to be alone and to ponder these questions and kind of step back
and take a look at the big picture of what this person's life has meant.
5. Use notes or an outline.
Develop notes or an outline for use during the eulogy and make sure that they
include your important points. You can either use them during the eulogy, or
take a moment and pause at the end to look them over to reassure yourself that
you didn't miss any of the points you felt were important to make. If you did,
go back and make them!
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6.
Practice.
I know it might seem a little weird to suggest practicing a eulogy, but for most
people it's simply too important of an occasion to suffer missing the mark.
Walking away from the podium after giving a eulogy feeling like you didn't get
the job done is something that tends to stay with people - often for life.
Practice it until you're ready for someone you trust to hear it and then
practice it in front of them. Ask them for feedback. Their feedback can be
valuable and it's certainly part of the whole point of asking them to listen,
but ultimately trust yourself in how you use their feedback.
7. Be flexible.
Part of the whole point of preparation is to give ease and comfort to the
delivery of the eulogy and to make sure that you walk away from the podium
without regrets. As you're speaking something new may come up that feels
important to you to share: let it. The preparation isn't about a regimen or
being rigid - it's a structure that works best when flexed.
You may also end up dealing with a whole range of issues that simply can't be
anticipated. Coping with grief is incredibly individual and there may be one or
more people at the service who's grief and pain could be disruptive to the
service at any given moment in time; screaming, fainting, throwing themselves on
the casket... It's all been done, and it will be again, and it might even be
done while you're giving the eulogy.
Whatever your tolerance level for drama is I lovingly encourage you to be
flexible about it and if something occurs as you're speaking, make it OK.
There's no rule that the path of any funeral or memorial service has to be
straight and narrow and there's absolutely no reason why the service can't
accommodate everyone, no matter how extreme their expression of grief may be.
There are a variety of ways to respond, and just be aware that you always have
choices. If you need to you can simply pause your eulogy at any given moment in
time.
8. Be transparent.
There's incredible freedom in simply celebrating your own humanity and
transparently revealing what's going on for you. What we can clearly express
about our feelings has a tendency to disappear and move out of our way.
So feel free to openly share your concerns and fears with the people gathered
there. Are you worried that something you're planning on saying will hurt
someone's feelings? Say so. Are you afraid that you're going to break down
sobbing during your eulogy? Acknowledge it, and let people know that if you do
you're going to simply give yourself the time you need to cry before collecting
yourself and going on with it. It's simply the art of intimacy at work, and what
better way to invite people into your world, and into your shoes?
9. Be prepared.
Some items that you are going to want to have handy while giving the eulogy
could include things like tissues, cough drops and hot tea or a glass of water.
What can you anticipate your other needs might be while giving the eulogy?
10. Recognize that no eulogy is adequate for those we love most.
As powerful as words are there really are no words to express the measure of a
person's life - not truly. In speaking at my sister Paige's funeral this WAS my
purpose in speaking.
The only real monument we have to the people we love who have died and gone
before us is the quality of our own lives and of the lives we touch. My own life
is filled with miracles that occur every day and I am living proof of the power
of this woman's life - and it's my job to spend every day making her memorial
just that much larger. The invitation I offered the people attending her funeral
was for them to join me in allowing ourselves to be changed by this woman's life
and by her untimely death and THAT would be her real eulogy - our willingness to
become better friends, more thoughtful partners, more loving parents - better
human beings - simply because of her.
Author's Bio
Tracy Phaup is the founder and President of the Tracy Phaup Group http://www.tracyphaup.com,
a consulting group specializing in custom consulting services for Internet
marketers, Professional Bloggers, and Infopreneurs. Affectionately known as the
Social Media Marketing Maven, her specialty is relationship marketing. Share her
expertise in developing relationships that rock! http://www.tracyphaup.com/facebook
http://www.tracyphaup.com/linkedin http://quotes.tracyphaup.com
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