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Work solutions aren’t necessarily transferable to “fix” relationship problems.
What you do on the job does not necessarily mean it will work at home. For
example, if an engineer, attorney, clerk or technical person tries to fix the
relationship with his/her intimate significant other; the results may not be
what he/she wants. At our employment we are trained to fix problems and are paid
to be “problem solvers”. The problem solving method usually works like this:
*isolate the problem and find what is “not working”
* Rationally figure out what the problem is and try to fix it
* Minimize the bad effects of the problem
* Plan a pro-active solution to the problem
Intimate relationships involve a different process. First it involves emotional
and physical “sparks” which in our western culture is called “falling in love”.
Then the couple goes through a courtship period of time where they learn how to
be with each other and see if they can get along after the “honeymoon “period
which is often an infatuation state of mind where both are on their best
behavior. The couple often imagines what it like is to live together and try to
picture themselves as a “unit”. Both bring their “stories” of the good and bad
of their life into the relationship. Some relationships even believe
that their significant other will “fill the other half” and they are more whole
when they are together. Both individuals when they come together as a couple
bring stories of how they were raised by their parents, how their parents
interacted together and how they fit into the family. All these old histories go
into the new relationship. And guess what happens when couples bring all this
together………………..they change too and are different than they used to be.
So what happens if a couple works with a relationship problem and one of the
couple tries to fix “the problem” as if they were at work? Usually one of the
couple becomes the “rational one” and is not emotional while the other is
“emotional” and is upset about the so called problem with the relationship.
Let’s pick a “problem” with couples for example “trust”. One of the individuals
has a trust issue with the other. Let’s say there was an emotional affair with
another and this brings up discourse in the relationship. The person, who had
the “affair”, admits it and then tries to fix the issue. He/she may think that
if they say “I won’t do it again, the problem is fixed”. But alas, when he/she
tries to “fix” the problem, it moves to another issue, the problem does not stay
fixed on one point or theme. The person who has the affair presents a plan for
fidelity and wants to move on. However the other person wants to talk about what
happened and will bring up many issues of how it affected him/her. So just when
the one who had an affair thinks that he/she has a solution to the problem by
promising fidelity, the problem shifts. Now the affair becomes a trust,
listening and judgment issue. The problems seem to be escalating and the person
who had the affair, feels beat up and tries to stop the talking by silence or
cutting off from the conversation. This seems to make matters worse and then the
other party mentions separating or divorce.
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The couple could not “fix “the problem with tools used at work because there
were many factors in the relationship that caused the affair to be the symptom
of the relationship difficulty. Infidelity was not the only breakdown; there
were many cracks in the relationship. Every time the couple tried to fix the
problem, more problems came up and it was very exhausting for them.
It is our experience that it is helpful that couples understand that the
aftermath of an affair is very difficult and cannot be fixed like problems at
work. Feelings and stories of pain need to be honored and shared with the couple
over the infidelity. The pain and hurt of what the “other did to them” needs to
be transitioned to how the couple can keep destructive forces out of their
relationship. We collaborate together on how to keep the “destructive forces”
out of their relationship. We often ask couples to externalize the “problems”
and encourage them to collaborate against the “problem” utilizing strategies
that have assisted them in the past and access alternative stories of how they
have been helpful to each other in the past. This enables the couple to develop
comprehensive response together warding off the “destructive forces” which try
to come in their relationship.
In relationships the problem solving model at work is too static and views
problems to be fixed. Relationships are never static and couples continually add
to the stories of their relationship through experiencing emotion and logic
together. Unlike work, couples are the experts of their life and they have the
ability to change their life together as expertly as they want.
Author's Bio
Garth is a licensed clinical social worker. He received his Masters of Social
Work from Kansas University in 1977. He has worked in a variety of health care,
social service and mental health settings. He also founded and owned a geriatric
care management service for 5 years and private psychotherapy practice in the
80’s. Garth has two years of Family Therapy training, was educated in Neuro
Linguistic therapy for three years, and finished a year long intensive narrative
program with over 170 hours of training in narrative therapy. |
